Life Long Battle

This week has been a rough one.  It is not easy to be confronted with the darker parts of yourself, especially when you think you have overcome an area in your life.  This past Thursday I came face to face with a part of myself that I thought I had managed to overcome and in all fairness I did do better than I would have a few years ago but it showed me just how far I have to go.

You see, on Thursday there was an incident at my house with some of our students and my wife.  To make a long story short my wife ended up being so upset that she left the house crying and when I tried to find out what had happened from her I only got a snippet of what really transpired because she wasn't able to speak coherently (this happens when you wife works nights and is operating on almost no sleep).  Now, I do not handle it well when members of my family are in distress, whether that distress be emotional or physical.  I become extremely protective and tend to lash out at the perceived cause(s) of that distress.  In this case I went in to get the students side of the story and to be honest I was struggling to hold my anger in check when something one of the students said caused me to snap.  I told them that whatever they had done had caused my wife to leave the house and that she was so hurt and mad that she was crying uncontrollably in our back yard and that because of that I wanted them all to, "Get out my house".  When one of the students started talking about how they hadn't done anything wrong I raised my voice and repeated the demand that they vacate the premises.  Yeah, not a great moment in my ministry career if I'm honest.

Now, if I had stopped there things might have gone a bit better but no, in my anger I sent out a private message to all the teens who had been there further expressing my displeasure.  A few years ago I would have tagged them in a status so the whole world would know what they had done so at least I had the restraint to make it for their eyes only but that's no excuse, I shouldn't have sent it and I REALLY shouldn't have written a post here on my blog ranting about the night's events (don't bother looking for that post, it was only up for a few minutes before I deleted it) and shared it on FB and Twitter.

Needless to say the damage has been extensive.  There are students who we have been building relationships with for the last four years who may never speak with us again (at least that is my understanding).  At this point I can only hope and pray that someone else will be able to speak into their lives and that their walk with Jesus won't be permanently damaged.  Of course I would much prefer that this be a character building exercise for all involved but that isn't always the case.

If anything, the events on Thursday have served as a reminder to myself that walking with Christ is difficult and that it is all about embracing and allowing change.  Now I don't mean change as in what color the carpet should be or whether to allow people to bring coffee into the sanctuary.  No, I'm talking about deep inner change.  The kind of change that is difficult to admit we still need even after decades of walking with the Lord. We want to think the best of ourselves and even though we give mental assent to the idea that we'll never be completely finished being transformed into the image of Christ on this side of the grave we functionally act like we have arrived in an area (or areas) of our lives when we don't have a relapse for a while.

Of course that is in direct opposition to what Scripture teaches.  If Paul, who penned 2/3 of the New Testament had to deal with this reality then it should stand to reason that we will as well.  Paul outlines his struggle in Romans 7 and 8.  Whether we like it or not we are engaged in a spiritual war both with ourselves and with the powers of darkness that roam the earth.  Paul gives instructions for us to prepare daily for this warfare in Ephesians 6 and I have to admit that I have become complacent in that area.  Coasting along and not standing guard as I should have.

To my students, I apologize for my behavior (yes, I will be apologizing in person as well) and I ask that you extend grace to Sarah and I.  We are only human and we make mistakes and don't always handle things as we should.  To those whose behavior wasn't appropriate and precipitated these events, I forgive you and extend to you the same grace that Jesus has extended to me.  To those whose words were misunderstood I ask your forgiveness and pray that we will be able to learn and grow from this unfortunate event.  For those caught in the crossfire, I hope that you can forgive those of us who failed to handle our emotions and the situation properly and can learn from our failure and so allow Christ to enact lasting change in you even as we allow Him to make those changes in us.